You know what really rubs me the wrong way? First of all, don’t rub me. There’s actually no right way. It’s all wrong. But seriously folks, you know what rubs me the wrong way? Missed opportunities. In a more specific sense, the fact the United States Education System does not incorporate Snapple Facts into the classroom.

I have never worked for Snapple but putting my ignorance and pure speculation to work, I bet I can form a pretty accurate picture. Now, picture this:

You apply to be a Snapple Cap Researcher (SCR) and two months later you receive a mysterious letter in the mail with no return address. Inside is a single piece of paper. You unfold it and there is a riddle glued together in a mosaic of cut up magazine letters.

Each riddle is unique. Created by a current employed master ranked SCR to find new upcoming talent. You say goodbye to your family and head out on the multi-year journey to piece together the clues. It takes you across the Silk Road, through the hanging gardens of Babylon and you bask in the shade of the Colossus of Rhodes. You learn Tagalog and island hop through the Philippines. You learn to name every turtle by a quick glance at its shell. You catch fish with your bare hands and practice throat singing with Mongolian falconers.

You uncover clue after clue getting closer and closer to your final destination. After two years you actually forget that you’re on a quest to become an SCR. It isn’t until you make it back to your hometown to the abandoned warehouse at the end of Main St and a stranger hands you a piece of paper and says Take a seat, this is the written portion of the SCR hiring process that your passed life comes flooding back in like a broken dam.

Inside the warehouse is row after row of desks and chairs. All filled with others that have been on similar journeys and yet so different. You take a seat at one of the few open desks. The first step is to write your name but it’s been so long. What is your name? You don’t remember, you’ve gone by so many names over the past couple years. Dean Dasker the world renowned archeologist, Crabby Johnson the dive bar lush of Katmandu, Harold Clover the Duke of Westshire and Chief Pelican are just a few names and identities you’ve worn during your travels.

So you ignore the questions and take up both sides of the paper writing your names and aliases until the tip of the pencil breaks and you can write no more and you slump over exhausted. The instructor puts a hand on your shoulder. You’ve passed. You’re hired. That’s when they tell you that each SCR can only offer one fact. The greatest fact you know. Then the rest of your time as an SCR will be spent creating the riddle and journey for a new hire yet to be.

You give them the greatest fact you know. They hand you a pile of magazines, safety scissors, a single sheet of paper and a glue stick. You begin the arts and crafts process of putting together your riddle. With your riddle complete and sent out, your job is done. With no true name to call your own you walk off into the sunset to find a new identity.

Finding and shaping the best researchers in the world is an arduous process and Snapple cuts no corners. The question remains though, considering the effort Snapple puts into their cap facts, why doesn’t the United States Education System capitalize on this knowledge?

Why didn’t these teachers enlighten us with useful facts? I could have known the country of Tonga once had banana shaped postage stamps or ketchup was once sold as medicine or the average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime or broccoli is the only vegetable that is also a flower.

When you get down to the crux of education the point is to get a job and be useful in society. As a useful member of society you find a human mate, get married and have little humans. Raise those little humans, who then get educated and the process continues. If you get rid of those middle steps the reason for education is to find a soulmate. Education is about love! If I’m going to pick up a girl from a bar, am I going to be more successful with the Pythagorean Theorem or with the fact that mosquitoes are attracted to people that have recently eaten a banana?

It’s a no brainer. Snapple facts are the opportune aphrodisiacs that grease the turning wheels of civilization. The United States Education System is almost perfect but there is this hairline fracture. My generation is already lost we grew up with Fruitopia in our vending machines but for our children’s children there is still hope. Put Snapple back in schools.

We will learn again!  And hopefully, in time, we will love…