Pursuing a career as an executioner is a thankless task. The hood hides your identity making it very easy for coworkers to take credit for your work. Your customers are rarely grateful but at least they can’t give you a bad review online after the service. All the while the onlooking family is calling you a ‘dick’ for following orders as you drop the guillotine circumcising someone’s head from their body.
Which leads us to the true heart of this article. The dick pic.
Based on no research I have found out that dick pics have existed for hundreds of thousands of years. The original dick pic required a caveman to sacrifice to a god and if that god found his sacrifice worthy he would mold a cloud in the shape of his dangly bits for the whole village to see and be wooed.
The point is this. The first dick pic was art. The millionth dick pic was a broken record. The trillionth was art again because of the persistence but after that it was just really played out to the point some dick pic recipients wish the executioner would chop of your head. If you know what I mean.
Let’s make one thing clear. This article isn’t about abashing penis. It’s about reestablishing an art form. The world human population is around seven billion with roughly half of those humans being born with a mini elephant trunk between their legs. So you may be asking yourself, how do I stand out in the crowd when I send my dick to surprise beneficiaries?
The answer: you don’t send your dick at all.
It’s the classic shell game. Picture this:
A woman is with her friends having a great time. Really doesn’t want to be bothered. Like really living in the moment appreciating life to the fullest and doesn’t want to lose that focus. Then her phone dings and juts her back to reality. She picks up her cellular on a table dotted in wet condensation circles from beer mugs and sees a text from you. This woman has a great head on her shoulders, she ignores you and goes back to spending time with her friends. But later…..
Later though. She brushes her teeth and is lying in bed and thinks to herself, might as well see what he wants but I bet I already know what it is. She opens the text and there is a pic. She looks confused. Maybe even intrigued? Oh yeah, definitely intrigued, that’s the ticket. She’s staring at a picture of Dick Van Dyke that you sent her. The studio photo with him wearing a huge grin, straw hat and holding a cane.
The modern art of dick pics isn’t a dick at all. It’s Dicks with a capital ‘D’. Dick Van Dyke, Dick Vitale, Dick Grayson, Dick Cheney, Richard ‘Dick’ Nixon.
Based on my own definition I just made up the revitalization of an art form is in its ability to make people feel again. And if we, the Y Chromosomers, can make women feel confused well then that counts as a feeling.
You may be wondering what this has to do with executioners and guillotines. When something is played out too often, you kill it. In this revitalization of an ancient art form let your dick stay ambiguous, put a hood over it. Don’t send dick pics send Dick pics because if we can all unite under this common cause, man, we’ll be killing it. Probably.
Art is all about the execution.