I am a supporter of the rights of all people. This includes gay people as well as those that aren’t happy. That being said I have an issue with Pride Parades. That issue being no one ever dresses up as a lion. “Pride” parade people! Lions live in prides. That’s an easy lob ball right there.
Back on topic.
Centuries ago, the Christian Church developed the seven deadly sins and through the centuries have systematically broken them all themselves. I like to think they were setting examples of what not to do in the same way Aesop’s Fables tell cautionary tales.
The adoption of the term ‘pride’ parade has inspired me to ignore the good cause that the parades represent and focus on the Christian concept of the seven sins to see what parades for the other sins would look like:
Lust Parade:
The turnout for the parade is huge, everyone seems so eager. Everyone is scantily clad and you’re concerned they’ll get hypothermia. Why did you schedule this for December? Someone’s hand grazes your butt. If it were any other day you would be pissed but today? Today, it’s…. intriguing. In this sea of flesh, you wonder who the butt toucher was. Maybe they’re all butt touchers. So mysterious. So dubious. The parade makes it about a block before everyone starts making out. City traffic is halted until the next morning when the last participants finally make their way home wondering what cause they were supporting because they would really like to support it again someday soon.
Sloth Parade:
The turnout was okay. The parade was 2 days ago and you find yourself half in the gutter half on the sidewalk not even a quarter through the parade route. You’re just so tired. A lot of other parade participants are laying all around too. Garbagemen were hired to drag everyone off the streets. No one fought back, they let themselves be dragged without lifting a muscle. Like scattered leaves yet to be raked.
Anger Parade:
The Anger Parade is a modern-day Roman Coliseum stretching across many city blocks. You find yourself surrounded by flying feet, rocketing fists, guttural growls, deafening screams and droplets of blood. Every member of the parade channels their inner car rage. The parade has a body count and the participants would have it no other way. You’re ducking and weaving the entire parade route throwing a punch every once in a while to fit in. Those watching from home feel the fury emitting from their TV, feeling left out they embrace their own rage. The entire world is now encompassed in one big melee. Reports from Australia come in that Australians started and lost a second war against the emu. The following day is the most peaceful day in human history now that everyone has fully vented out their wrath. You have seven ice compresses strapped to various body parts as you calmly sit in standstill traffic carefree singing Pharrel’s Happy song.
Greed Parade:
Greed parade comes right out of the movie Finding Nemo. The seagulls. Mine. Mine. Mine. This parade impressively makes it the entire route thanks to your brilliant planning. You instructed every participant to come to the parade with $20 in singles somewhere on their person. It’s a parade of pickpockets. Crowded streets of constant jostling like a gentle mosh pit. You feel little quick jabs as people keep reaching into your pockets and searching your clothes for where you hid your money. At the end of the parade you get on stage to watch everyone count their money to see who turned out to be the greediest of all. Not a single person has a single dollar on them. David Blaine then walks on stage. Over the course of the next seventeen hours he pulls all the singles out of his ears. Ten of thousands of dollars. He’s standing in a pile of his ear money and surprisingly not a single greedy person steals a dollar from the pile because they don’t want any of David Blaine’s gross ear money. David Blaine wins the greed trophy and everyone agrees to never do this parade again. However they will all relive it in their nightmares. You spend the next three months crying yourself to sleep. Always in the dark though because you’re greedy with your tears, no one can see you cry.
Envy Parade:
Envy Parade is a 3-mile parade of sighs. You’re checking everyone else out jealous of their looks or expensive clothes or the confidence in their step or this one parader that has a really cool Animaniacs t-shirt. Everyone else is looking at others letting out the same deep longing sighs. They’re all envious of each other. But no one is envious of you because what do you have going for you? Nothing. You’re the worst. Siggghhhhh. You wish you were someone else. Someone cooler or something. Like that guy a couple rows ahead of you feeding his Tamagotchi. You bet he’s kept it alive since the Tamagotchi’s release in 1996. You can’t even keep a plant alive for more than a week. You wonder what he named the Tamagotchi. It’s probably a really cool name. You’re envious of everyone that stayed home and decided not to partake in this parade.
Gluttony Parade:
The hot dog stands on every city corner are little oases in a vast desert. It’s like a parade compromised of thousands of Joey Chestnuts. People are scarfing down as many hot dogs as possible. Once the hot dog stands are empty it’s soft pretzels and gyros and any other food that they can get their hands on. Is this a parade or a swarm of Kobayashi locusts? You planned ahead and ordered five pizzas and just picked them up. You didn’t think far enough ahead though because the paraders see your pizza. Now you’re a gazelle being chased by a thousand lions. You throw a couple slices behind you and the ones in the front dive for the pizza tripping up those behind. You get some breathing room as you turn the corner. You hide behind a dumpster and start stuffing the pizza into your face as quickly as possible. The paraders find you surrounded by empty pizza boxes, your hands and face covered in sauce and grease. Your stomach feels terrible. As you writhe on the ground in agony you quietly laugh maniacally while saying, “I ate it all, mwahaha, I ate all the pizza, mwahaha. None for you. Mwahaha. I need more.” But you cant get off the ground. Another successful gluttony parade.