It’s that time of year again. When 32 NFL Teams comprised of 48 active players each meet on the gridiron to invade each other’s personal bubbles. As exciting as a hole in one, as tricky as a kick flip, as magical as getting a Yahtzee, fans across the country agree, football is a real royal flush. Each play unfolds like a cowboy’s 8 second ride on a bull. In that you slapped the bull in the balls to make it angry (like saying hike in football) and everyone is better off when it’s over. Bull and rider regain their personal space and the clowns are back in their barrel.
For those not familiar with the intricacies of football here’s an overview from someone who has never played professional football before but has a healthy imagination:
The decline of the personal bubble begins in the parking lot when players leave their car and walk to the back entrance of the stadium hounded by photographers. In the locker room personal bubbles are again invaded by team comradery. Ass slaps are handed from player to player, each slap of an ass increases the intensity brought to the field ten-fold.
Players then put on their pads which will be the only protection their personal bubble will receive over the next 4 hours.
Foreshadowing: Pads will not be enough.
There are various ways to set up for a play but generally there are seven linebackers on each team. The moment the quarterback says hike they lose any aspect of a personal bubble they may have possessed. The linebackers have two jobs. On passing plays their job is to maintain the personal bubble of the quarterback for as long as possible. On rushing plays their job is to create a path for the running back to maintain his personal bubble. However running backs make this extremely difficult because they continuously run at the defense shrinking the size of their personal bubbles.
Then gallivanting throughout the rest of the field beyond the line of scrimmage are the wide receivers. Wide receivers really cherish their personal bubbles and will run as far as the endzone to get some space.
Also, there is an oval ball in football and they throw it around and call it a pigskin. Regrettably the ball does not have a little curly cue tail like a pig.
At this point it should be very clear at the core of any football game and the quality of any team is based on the ability to create and maintain their personal bubbles. Not an easy task considering even when they’re deciding plays they huddle together with no personal bubbles.
Best case scenario, at the end of the season, your team wins the Superbowl and thousands upon thousands of fans rush on to the field and there will not be a single personal bubble for as far as the eye can see. Two words perfectly describe the experience of winning a Superbowl: confetti, jostling.
The NFL does it’s best to keep people out of the Superbowl arena so the few attendees can enjoy some space. They do this by charging exorbitant prices and yet fans still buy the seats up.
So when you’re home alone or with one or two of your friends with enough space that you each get your very own couch cushion remember to fully appreciate your personal bubble. The football players on TV don’t have the same luxury. In fact, the only way they can find any sort of personal bubble is buying a huge mansion to get some space to themselves. Such a curse to have so much square footage to vacuum and dust. Those poor souls.
I hope this primer helps you more fully enjoy the sport of football. With 32 team vying to destroy each other’s personal bubbles this season is sure to be a home run and the action is a always a slam dunk.
And most importantly, never forget Ronnie Lott cut off part of his finger so he wouldn’t have to sit out any games. A true legend in the sport of declining personal bubbles.