Here’s the thing about Thanksgiving: you’re the turkey
The end of every November, surrounded by family and friends we all get hoodwinked just like at the original Thanksgiving.
The original Thanksgiving was between the Plymouth, Massachusetts Colonists and the Wampanoag Native Americans. At the time they both benefitted from each other’s aid. The colonists gave guns to the Indians and the Indians taught the colonists how to survive in the new land. Important to note, this was an alliance not friendship. The alliance eventually broke down and savagery ran rampant just like at modern day Thanksgiving.
Alliances can be complicated. At Thanksgiving you’ll find yourself favoring some family members over others. Maybe you and your grandfather are best buds. Maybe you get along with the aunts and uncles on your dad’s side better. Maybe you’re 32 years old bragging to everyone else at the kid’s table you’re allowed to drink alcohol legally. The dynamic is different in every household.
Everyone is gathered around the table in the middle of the glorious Thanksgiving feast. Almost everyone in the family has been drinking. Then the first shot is fired and like the original Thanksgiving, the alliance crumbles. The first shot comes in many forms, maybe you recognize one of these:
-You’re never going to get a job with those piercings and tattoos.
-Being gay is a sin! And by gay I mean being happy. Suffer like the rest of us!
-Your old boyfriend, Chip was so much nicer than Chad. Said while Chad is at the table.
-Don’t kneel at the football game!
-Have you been going to church weekly?
-This turkey’s dry. And I don’t mean its sense of humor.
-Grandpa stop telling ‘Nam stories at the dinner table.
-Put your phone down while we’re eating.
-Don’t feed the dog at the table. Followed by: stop calling my child a dog because you don’t like him!
-Han shot first.
-Nick Cannon is hilarious.
-It’s not time for Christmas music, turn that off.
-I don’t have time for dinner, going to wait in line for black Friday so I can buy a Hey Arnold Funko Pop half off.
-I’m vegan.
Yes, the first shot comes in many forms but once fired the bullet can’t be re-chambered. Fueled by wine and beer voices are raised, alliances are broken, sides are drawn, loved ones are judged, one or two family members storm upstairs to their rooms and the adult sitting at the kid’s table is having a great Thanksgiving avoiding the chaos.
Like the original Thanksgiving, conceptually it feels like it’s going to be great but chaos always wins out. Also like the original Thanksgiving, we’ll teach all of our children that it was still a great time and grandpa was just joking when he said them dang immigrants are ruining our country.
On the table is a delicious dead bird but it is us that are the true turkeys. Signing up for this annual trial by combat. At least we can mash some potatoes to get our frustration out.