Millions of humans have entered the world of dating apps looking for true love only to find themselves in a seedy underbelly full of never-do-wells looking for their “partner in crime”. What crime you ask? Usually they don’t provide such information. Justifiably so, they don’t want to incriminate themselves. Let’s analyze the information provided and see if we can figure out what sinister activities they’re looking to ensnare all us innocent people in.
Without actually doing the math, roughly 99% of humans on dating apps state they love to travel. This tells us two things. 1. Dating apps are not a good place for agoraphobics. 2. Whatever crime they’re looking to commit they’ll be on the run traveling most likely internationally to evade law enforcement.
Many on dating apps state they are “fun loving” and “love to laugh. This information is very disheartening for the emo crowd looking to be depressed. However if looked in the light that all these people are most likely criminals, this love of fun and laughter is probably very diabolical. Think Cathy Ames in East of Eden. They revel in tearing other people down. That means you’ll probably be used as a patsy and do a couple years of jail time.
Does the profile you’re viewing on the dating app say that the individual loves to hike? Interesting… you know where a great place to kill someone and hide a body with no witnesses is? In the middle of the woods.
Some may have you believe China is secretly sending fishing armadas throughout the Pacific and Indian Ocean and fishing beyond what the local ecology can handle causing massive environmental devastation that will take years to heal but what if it’s really the dating app community? You know that one dating maxim, there are plenty of fish in the sea? Not anymore! Why else would so many dating profiles have humans holding a fish?
Are their profiles telling you they don’t play games? Well then that probably means they’re looking at some pretty serious criminal activity.
Do they tell you not to waste their time? It must be a time sensitive crime. The window of opportunity is small. Think Ocean’s 11.
Thousands of scholars (I’m assuming) believe all these dating app people are idealizing the original partners in crime couple, Bonnie and Clyde. This leads to the prevailing theory that they’re looking for you to help them rob a bank. When they’re picking a restaurant take notice of its proximity to local financial institutions. Are you on a date or a reconnaissance mission?
The dating scene can be perilous enough finding chemistry with another human being. Be careful, be vigilant, meet some new people, get some coffee but do your best to avoid prison time. And remember, when they bring up their exes, ask if they’re in jail.