When you find someone you truly love the heart inspires you to involve state government and enter into a contractual obligation with a term length voidable only by the grim reaper. This whole process is totes insanely romantic but it all begins with a last hurrah called the bachelor party in which humans sporting a Y chromosome celebrate the successful fulfillment of the Beyonce protocols: if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.
For centuries, bachelor parties have been unfolding like the wild west. Minimal organization, maximum chaos and no themes. Until now. After countless hours of not researching anything, we have discovered the ideal bachelor party should take inspiration from Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drives-Ins and Dives. Bachelor parties should be all about Flavortown.
Let’s go through a completely random scenario demonstrating a thematic bachelor party.
Say you have a younger brother living in New England and loves rhyming. Obviously his bachelor party will be in Austin, Texas to fulfill the Boston to Austin Dr Seuss poetry scheme. Oh the places you’ll go.
Once in Austin you will perform the basic tourist rituals of visiting the largest urban bat colony on the continent, staring in awe at the LBJ robot, experiencing first-hand the cathedral of junk and performing a pilgrimage to the largest squirrel statue in the world. At this point, you’ll start to understand the flavor of the city.
So what now?
Now, as group, you put on your flame shirts and visit the Guy Fieri ghost kitchen. And if you’re not full, maybe have some cookies courtesy of Mariah Carey.
If you’re truly looking to call upon the spirit of Guy Fieri, you can also marry 100s of gay couples, feed firefighters fighting forest fires, raise millions to unemployed restaurant workers, donate soft pretzel making machines to grade schools and feed the troops (Remember the Alamo). Flavortown? Guy has established an entire Flavor Kingdom.
Depending on how adventurous you are, we’d recommend visiting Guy’s birthplace, Columbus, Ohio to see his roots. Columbus is the home of corn henge, one of the most significant monuments in the United State’s history. Many call these corn monuments statues but I’d like to believe it’s a field of giant corn fossilized during the dinosaur age that has stood the test of time. In modern days, we use corn for everything, powering our vehicles, feeding our livestock, cleaning ourselves. Corn is unique in that it can be broken down so efficiently on a molecular level that we then can rebuild it into thousands of various products. We are corn people. Some may say Guy’s hair is an ode to corn stalks. More than the average United States Citizen, Guy sees how we can all be broken down and rebuilt into something greater.
Looping back to bachelor parties, corn is the base of most whiskeys. In fact, some of the greatest jokes told at bachelor parties tend to be very corny. Corn, combined with flame shirts, well that creates popcorn and bachelor parties should be putting on an a-maize-ing show. And when performed perfectly, Y chromosomers will perform debaucheries united, as one. Otherwise known as the mythical uni-corn.
Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, like bachelor parties, is about having a good time while exploring. And most importantly, it’s about seeing the largest squirrel statue in the world, what do squirrels love to bury? A-corns. Regrettably, the statue is holding a pecan but we can’t all be as perfect as our main Guy or Bri.