Go take a hike is an insult from the early nineteenth century that people now take literally. As the crisp winter snows melt, social media floods with pictures of people on mountains looking down on the budding green forests that stretch to the horizon. In a way it has become no different than the seasonal migration patterns of certain animal species.
One can’t help but think of this hiking craze from the perspective of woodland critters. Every year when the grass grows, birds chirp and the flowers bloom, squirrels, badgers and woodchucks hear what they believe to be the mating calls of the human:
“OMG the lighting is going to be amazing in this picture.”
“hashtag no filter”
“Ugh, I am getting no cell service.”
“hashtag views”
“Is trail mix just hiking gravel?”
“It’s so nice to be in tune with nature on these well-traveled curated paths with path markers.”
“Shhh, honey, look. It’s a deer.”
“Hey look at this, is this a tick? I probably have Lyme disease.”
Every summer, the woodland critters sigh to themselves in unison, “son of a… it’s human season…”
Most concerning of this hiking fad is the amount of ancestors rolling in their graves as they recall the blood, sweat and tears shed to build society while their descendants are heading back to the wild they sought to escape. Even more concerning, no one talks about harnessing the power generated from our ancestors rolling in their graves. Possibly the cleanest energy source in modern day.
Rumors abound that this whole hiking epidemic has been an extremely manipulative propaganda campaign spearheaded by The Proclaimers. Dug deep into the subconscious of our minds is the desire to walk 500 miles and then perhaps walk 500 more. This mileage has caused many to walk right out of the city streets and into the savage emerald forests that plagued our ancestors and eventually, the unluckiest of us all walk right off the side of our flat earth.
The hiking plague affects some more than others. One of the most extreme cases was in 1955. Grandma Gatewood. After raising 9 children and divorcing an abusive husband, Emma Gatewood hiked the entire 2,000+ miles of the Appalachian trail with minimal gear. The hiking bug unsated, Grandma Gatewood then hiked the Oregon Trail and then what would become the Buckeye Trail.
To the horror of the forest, human hikers are devolving. No longer looking to escape into the beauty of nature, they now infect nature with human civilization by blasting music on their speakers for all to hear against their will. Woodland critters have expressed discontent with the seasonal human invasions. The squirrels say it’s getting nuts. The skunks declare it stinks and the beavers even attempted to build a wall that ended up doing nothing to stem the tide of humans. The power of social media has begun to invade the deepest corners of nature. When pressed for further comment, a frustrated beaver could only say, “Dam them!”