After undergoing no research over the course of the past 6 months we have come to the conclusion people like coffee. Depending on your stance of the modern caffeine addiction this can be a positive or concerning statistics especially considering the best coffee commercial has yet to be produced.
While I Hope This Is News is not attempting to be the best advertising agency in this Willenium (thank you Will Smith for providing us this entire century plus nine more), we feel a certain sense of responsibility providing you, the reader, the incredible commercial any coffee company could have given you but has chosen to withhold. Whether your coffee empire was called star donuts or dunk some bucks this potential has always been at your fingertips.
Picture this:
A young 30-year-old woman is enjoying her lunch on a sunny park bench on a mild summer day in the big city. She’s eating a basic sandwich while enjoying the slight breeze. Some might say her bread to meat ratio is way off but she doesn’t mind the extra carbs due to her active lifestyle. She’s actually pretty surprised this year her allergies have caused no issues. Maybe, she thinks to herself, it has something to do with the fact that this is her first full year living in the big city. The haybales and the dirt country roads of her childhood are irrelevant objects in her rear-view mirror. Any day now she’ll land that gig that’ll change everything.
There’s not a single cloud in the sky and yet a shadow falls upon her. She looks up and there is a middle-aged man with an oily face and an unnecessary trench coat. He rubs his left eyebrow as if the hairs were out of place and says, “excuse me madam. Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.”
The young woman begins to panic. She sold her car before moving to the big city. She knew she wouldn’t need it. Why does this stranger think she has a car? How would this stranger even know the car was hers if he saw a car? Internally, her mind storms like a hurricane but externally she’s as a cool as a cucumber. But trench coat man sees her eyes widen in confusion.
He takes this as a good sign and proceeds, “did you know if you were a vegetable you would be a cute-cumber?” Oh crap, he’s reading your thoughts, how did he know you felt as a cool as a cucumber? Panic sets in. Your sandwich is an ancient afterthought completely forgotten.
Trench coat continues, “if being sexy was a crime you would definitely have to plead guilty.” You’re a deer in headlights that finally senses the fast approaching danger. Rather than crash with this awkward car you stand up.
Trench coat takes a step towards you. He doesn’t seem to be in great shape. Nor has he stretched. You have the cardio advantage. Instead of maintaining cordial relations you juke left and sprint right to your freedom narrowly escaping the danger of the loaded pickup lines.
Commercial fades to black. Then comes the slogan:
America runs away from Duncan.