Thanks to original sin, death’s default setting is going to hell. Which is the main reason we believe babies come into this world crying. Similar to how bottling companies take water from our local infrastructure, bottle it and resell it to us, there are ordained individuals that can repackage water in holiness. If the child is dunked in this holy water, the original sin washes away and the baby is ready for life without the constant threat of hell. For some reason, babies keep crying though.
In the internet age of 5 second attention spans many don’t have time to sit through long Baptism scenarios when there is endless scrolling to do. However, there is a solution. A much more fun way to save babies from hell that’ll keep the whole family engaged and at the edge of their seats.
You remember those dunk tanks at carnivals? The devil baby gets placed on the dunk platform and each parent gets three balls. Three chances to hit the target so the platform drops and the baby is purified.
If you want your baby to escape the torments of an eternal hell, I hope you have good aim.
Aunts, uncles, second cousins, distant relatives you didn’t even know you had are all going to be there to witness the dunk booth baptism. Each with their own bag of popcorn to enjoy the festivities. And you better believe if you fail to hit that target your grandfather is going to say something like, “back in my day we had to have good to aim to fight the nazis! Kids these days….”
Heck, churches are going to overflow with strangers coming to watch the baptisms of babies they don’t even know. Illegal gambling will sprout up, the church of course acting as bookie. Dunk booth baptisms will be the downfall of Sunday football as the pews fill and the stadiums empty. Father son catches in the front yard aren’t about bonding anymore. It’s about working on your aim for the next baptism.
And to top it all off, this evolution of a major church event will be heralded by the carnival barky cry of a priest yelling, “step right up!” And the words will echo in through the holy building as the first father steps up, baseball in hand, to save his baby from hell.
Amen