To endlessly make toys in the barren north pole elves are highly motivated by their caffeine addiction. It is through this mass consumption of coffee that the elves heard through the grapevine of recent predicaments occurring at Starbucks and have taken it upon themselves to form their own union. Santa who travels the world with his huge sack thinks the elves’ balls have gotten a little too big.
With the increasing demand of high-tech toys, the elves have been forced to put down their chisels used for making wooden rocking horses and pick up the soldering iron. Unbeknownst to most of the world, the North Pole has because the third largest chip fabricator in the world right behind the United States and Taiwan.
Santa argues these high-tech jobs have brought more prosperity to the area but the elves complain at what cost? With global warming shrinking the size of the North Pole, real estate prices have skyrocketed and elves can barely afford to live off their $0 a year salary.
The elf’s union leader Elrond had this to say, “such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.” He continues, “if Santa’s extreme labor policies are left unchecked, the North Pole will become nothing more than a mountain of doom.”
The elves have been on strike since Thanksgiving so if this Christmas you don’t receive what you wished for, know it’s because Santa is at the top of the naughty list. As energy prices rise, the elves have taken to stealing Santa’s coal designated for naughty children just to stay warm on these cold winter nights.
Upon hearing of the new union, the Keebler Elves put on their crakows and joined the race for better working conditions. Looks like Santa won’t be getting any cookies at the houses he visits. Just a lonely glass of milk.
Santa is also facing numerous allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace but he insists that is not what he meant by, “ho ho ho.”