Swear words are apex predators that proliferate like rabbits. They overpopulate from the top of the food chain until they crash their supply and demand market so calling someone a ‘god dang #$@(* who couldn’t tell the difference between a %$*#@#*(@ and a toaster’ just doesn’t hit the same as it once did.
Our hearts have been longing for that new illusive swear that’ll rekindle our simple pleasure of putting someone down to lift ourselves up. Biologists have spent countless years interbreeding dictionaries, thesaurus’s, encyclopedia, and Atlas Shrugged to create the new derogatory vocabulary we desperately crave. Little did we know, the word has been here the whole time hiding among us in everyday conversation.
Actually.
You never noticed the lethality of ‘actually’ because it’s been politely hiding in the thick, healthy vegetation of common colloquial convo. I’m actually surprised you didn’t notice. Actually doesn’t use the blunt force of %#@!, no, it uses subtle tactics causing us to lower our defenses and THEN strikes with no time to brace for impact. Think guerilla warfare tactics of the Vietnam war.
Picture this. You’ve spent years stalking your true love who just so happens to love cooking. Over the course of your voyeuristic hobby, you accidentally learn to cook from watching this master chef in action. You seek to test your skills and invite some close friends over for exquisite prehistoric cuisine made from scratch. The night progresses jubilantly, your closest confidantes devour their meals and then your oldest friend, dating back to preschool says, “that was actually really good.”
What do they mean, “actually”? What were they expecting? Do your closest friends think so little of you that they were surprised you didn’t feed them pig slop? Were they prepared for you to give them food poisoning? Of course the meal was good, you spent all day making those dinosaur chicken nuggets! “Actually” who do they think they are!
Uh, oh. “Cornelius don’t open that door! That’s the closet not the bathroom.”
“Yooooo, dude. Who is the woman in all these pictures?”
“You actually thought that was the bathroom door?”
“This chicken cordon bleu she’s holding in the pic looks delicious.”
“Put that picture down. You’re actually not supposed to see that.”
“Chill bruh. You a creep? Is that what this is?”
“I actually having feelings too, ya know.”
…
You actually get the picture.
Ever make a joke only for someone to say, “that’s actually pretty funny.”? “Actually.” Because they think you’re an idiot who’s only hope for humor is to look in the mirror at your own reflection because you, you are the joke.
If swear words are bunnies, ‘actually’ is the black plague they carried across Europe killing millions.*
*Editors note: it was rats, not bunnies that spread the black plague. I can’t believe the dumb journalist actually didn’t know that.