The normal sperm count for human males is 15 million to 200 million sperm per milliliter but I ask you, is it really necessary to sacrifice so many troops for a single egg?
Hashtag support the troops.
To put this into perspective, the max capacity of Madison Square Garden is a little under 20,000 people. So if the New York Knicks sold old out all of their 41 regular season home games that is 820,000 people. That’s a low sperm count and yet if you’re there at those sold-out games do a quick scan of the crowd. You’re packed like sardines. So packed you could be trampled to death at any moment. Just like the Knicks hope of winning the championship in 1995 when Patrick Ewing missed that layup.
Taylor Swift’s most attended concert was 96,000 people. That’s a low sperm count.
The population of New York City is 8.3 million people. That’s a low sperm count.
There are roughly 300,000 sperm whales lollygagging in our oceans. That’s a low sperm count.
The greatest atrocity in human history, World War 2, had 75 million deaths. That’s a normal, healthy sperm count.
Did you know there is a societal phenomenon called the Returning Soldier Effect in which during and after times of war, a disproportionate number of births are male to replenish the mass number of male deaths? It’s chromosomes asking, Y?
Which brings us to the point of the article. It shouldn’t be about quantity; it should be about quality.
If you were seeking a gold medal at the Olympics- in this case a gold medal is a metaphor for an egg recently released from the tide pools of the ovary now lost in the coral reefs of the fallopian tube awaiting its guide in the form of a tadpole- would you rather 200 million average apprentice mechanic, junior accountant, push mower it sure is a scorcher out there amateur swimmers or a single, 23 gold medal winning Michael Phelps?
The ideal sperm count is 1.
It is beauty and the beast. Not beauty and 200 million beasts. That sounds like a horror movie with a woman being eaten alive when she leans in for a kiss at the end of a first date but the guy ends up being an ant colony posing as a man in a trench coat. That movie would be titled Boi, You Buggin’
It is a knight in shining armor. Not 200 million knights in shining armor which would be inspiration for heavy metal music.
A single troop inseminates an egg. Why waste 100 million other troops to achieve the goal of one? Recent studies have discovered it isn’t the first troop that makes it to the egg that wins but rather the egg chooses her troop.
IUDs and birth control pills are said to be 99.9% effective, you know why they aren’t 100%? Because of that one Michael Phelps. The tadpole that climbs over the IUD dam.
So men, as you go to your doctor for your daily sperm count measurement so you can plug the new data into the excel file tracking your virility with graphs clearly showing a decrease in troops, stare at the declining slope and think to yourself, ‘nice’ as your brain recalls the words of the Cynic Epistles:
Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn’t be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior and he will bring the others back.