Between dying of thirst in the desert and drowning in a vast lake of fresh water there is a happy medium in which a sip of cool refreshing H2O provides nourishment without robbing us of the passageways to our lungs. While women absolutely deserve equal rights and all the same opportunities of a man, for the sake of society, is giving women pockets going to far?
If women have pockets, what then for the handbag industry? Was the aggressive torment that took over Louis Vuitton’s brain really cancer? One can’t help but wonder if Louis instead suffered from doomsayer prophecies conjured by mental mechanizations of a twisted mind that knew only darkness, caged within a skull with no hope for light – as are we all- and this cancer was merely a shadow, the echo of anxieties foretelling of a future world barren of handbags; drowning in pockets.
And what of sleek clothing contours? Pockets destroy the aerodynamic feminine physique in dresses that are ideal for slip and slides. Think of the drag and wind resistance a slight bump from say, keys or chapstick would create!
Most importantly, if we give women pockets society may crumble, fore what will be the purpose of man?
At weddings, what will man do if not hold a woman’s cellphone and wallet so she can light up the dance floor with reckless abandon in frills, twirls and electric slides? What is a man’s purpose when co-shopping if not to hold items women cannot comfortably carry in her pocketless attire? What boulder will Sisyphus endlessly push uphill in a world in which his wife could comfortable tuck the stone into her sundress pocket?
And if men aren’t holding things, well we all know the biblical proverb not actually found in the bible, “idle hands are the devil’s playground.”
Even more concerning, with the rise of women in STEM, how far will they go with these pockets? While we hope they stick to fabric containers, there is the real possibility that they will seek to invent tesseract pockets. Little pocket dimensions of infinite space attached their gala dress that with a small slip of the membrane between spaces could suck in the whole opera house and then it truly is over because the fat lady was singing. From tesseract, it is only a hop, skip and jump away from full-fledged blackhole and then, well, there goes humanity.
So we ask again, do women deserve pockets? Can the silky smooth fabric of society handle it? Can the very fabric of the cosmos survive it? Maybe we let the guys hold onto some stuff. I mean, they gotta hold on to something! Am I right!?! God dang men and their commitment issues, can’t even hold on to our relationship. Actually, sorry, I should pocket this tirade for another article… if only I had pockets…