Big Cheese will have you believe that their products are the stuff of legend. That the original bowl of gloppy cottage cheese was concocted by the cyclops Polyphemus by storing milk in animal stomachs. Or sometimes they will regale the world with its origins in ancient Mesopotamia, where etched on the walls are stories of our ancestors producing cheese- like substances. But I ask you this: How can cottage cheese have archaic roots if cottages weren’t invented until the Middle Ages?
Is Big Cheese using credible archeological findings and thoroughly researched historical texts to hoodwink us? It’s right in the name people! Using the cold, hard, logical acumen of an ancient Greek philosopher we have deduced cottage cheese isn’t made from milk and such, the answer is staring us right in the face. Cottage cheese is made from cottages. And the explosion of cottage cheese sales is exacerbating the homeless crisis.
How many unlawful evictions and bank repossession of homes really been the gooey tentacles of the cheese industry gobbling up more and more single-family resident cottages to churn out more and more cottage cheese. To our horror, cottage cheese sales have increased by over 25% in the past decade. Is it any wonder we are seeing more homeless on the streets?
Maybe it isn’t coins they’re begging for but change, real change. A change in domestic policy to product their cottages from the moldy aspirations of Big Cheese. Maybe it’s time we told them, hey, it’s nacho cheese!
If our arbitrary calculations are correct, it takes a whole cottage to make a single container of cottage cheese. Next time you’re in the grocery store dairy aisle looking at the stacked tubs of glops, you’re not staring at a cheese product, you’re gazing upon a neighborhood. Big Cheese has grown so powerful that it is ruining nations but don’t take our word for it, take the words of the French military leader Charles de Gaulle, “only peril can bring the French together. One can’t impose unity out of the blue on a country that has 265 different kinds of cheese.”
Or let’s go over the channel to England to see why the town criers in the media are silent on the subject. The writer/ philosopher G.K. Chesterton states, “the poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
And even more ominous, we pose the question, is Big Cheese paying off celebrities to support their products and thus support the decimation of cottages around the world? We turn to a statement from Rick Ross, “I ain’t gonna lie: I love that cheese.”
Sadly, they even got Anthony Bourdain. “You have to be a romantic to invest yourself, your money, and your time in cheese.”
Is it no wonder the modern world is seeing more skyscrapers, apartment complexes, plus modern single-family homes and less cottages? Maybe it was the Cyclops Polyphemus that founded the cheese empire because it does look like it’s being run by a monster.
Lastly we turn to an old Spanish Proverb. I don’t want the cheese. I just want to get out of the trap.