…in the days of the voice of the seventh angel, when he is about to sound, then the mystery of God is finished…
From Revelations Chapter 10
Before the mystery of God can truly be finished we must first understand the past 100 year history of the assembly line. While not the original creator of the assembly line concept Henry Ford honed the assembly line to a whole new level that revolutionized the production of goods. (Bill Knudsen then took it even further)
As opposed to individuals or small teams building a car from scratch he broke down the entire process of producing a car into small manageable steps. By breaking a process of building down into little steps you develop an order of operations and can then adjust the order or refine individual steps as necessary.
In the 1980s the telecommunication company Motorola invented Six Sigma. Six Sigma is an extremely effective quality control processes that was adopted in following decades by many manufacturers and other companies.
In roughly a century humanity developed a process to efficiently build things from the ground up and incorporated a highly sophisticated level of quality control. So the age old question remains, why do men have nipples?
Biologically the reason men have nipples is because nipples are formed in the womb during the first month of human growing while gender isn’t established until around week six of the pregnancy. In the early nineteenth century Henry Ford was able establish a proper process for building a car and yet the process of building a human is nipples then gender? Nipples THEN gender! What kind of order of operations is that? Where’s the quality control?
So let’s take a look at ‘intelligent design’. We’re in heaven, real fluffy, a lot of clouds, God gets to hang out in just a robe (because the snuggie hasn’t been invented yet). Which is an intelligent move because robes can be very freeing for the creative process. Dogs and the platypus are created both really solid straightforward designs. Next up is humans.
He goes back to his notes and confirms that his idea for humans is two genders. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Looking further into his notes he counts total fingers and toes, eyes, ribs, the rest of the skeletal structure, organs, etc… In front of God is all the parts he needs for the assembly of a human. Similar to how we build furniture from Ikea.
Then comes the moment God’s apprentice, the Seventh Angel who’s been quietly observing chimes in. “Hey Boss, why’d you pick up the nipples already? There’s a lot of other parts that probably should go on first, no?” The angel asks while trying to hand God a human male penis.
Then God says, “I’ve been working for five days straight already. This is it. If I can get this done today I can rest all day tomorrow. If I start second guessing myself I’ll be building humans well into the next day.”
“Well are human nipples gonna work the same as the ones you put on other animals? If so do males even need them?”
God at the end of his rope, “Look Seventh Angel. I appreciate that you’re just trying to help but we really just need to get this done. The nipples are already on the male. I’m not taking them off.”
“I’m just saying it doesn’t seem like the right order of operations. I mean, why even bother to give them nipples if they won’t even need them?”
“Because right now it’s just human. I don’t know if I want to make this one male or female yet. So I slap some nipples on and get back to the gender thing later.”
“Wouldn’t it make more sense to decide if you want to make it male or female before putting nipples on? Then if it’s male you won’t have to even put on the nipples. Save a step.”
God, finally turns around looking the Seventh Angel eye to eye. “One,” God starts. “I bought the nipples in bulk to save money so we already have enough for both genders. Two. The people of Sodom and Gomorrah, both male and female, are gonna love these things.”
“That doesn’t feel fair to human males. They don’t deserve the burden of nipples.”
“Well if the humans ever question it tell them I work in mysterious ways.”
“Okay,” the Seventh Angel says. “But in the Book of Revelations I’m gonna tell the human males that during Armageddon your ‘mysteries’ will be revealed. They’ll know at the end that you gave them all nipples because you wouldn’t adjust your order of operations and planned poorly and bought human nipples in bulk.”
“I gave male Argonaut Octopi penises that they rip off and they hand over to the female to use at their leisure. You didn’t even open your mouth then. Why are you drawing the line at human male nipples?”
“God, this is going to be a very interesting planet.”
“Yeah well Netflix doesn’t exist yet. I need something to watch.”
End glimpse of behind the scenes making of dvd commentary of Genesis
In most scenarios the argument over intelligent design is one based on whether god exists or not. However, I seek to take the argument more literal. If God was Henry Ford or Bill Smith at Motorola then humans would have been designed very efficiently and intelligently. Men would be nipple-less with smooth aerodynamic chests. Without the weight of nipples they would get better mileage per gallon. But did we really want ‘intelligent’ design? Or do we want bad decisions make good stories design?
In God’s great wisdom he knew intelligently designed humans would have been very boring. And so, on the seventh day, leaning back in his recliner with a godly bowl of popcorn on his lap God said, “Let there be the male nipple.” And so it was and so it shall be. We are all cursed with the burden of nipples but none more so than long distance runners with chafing nipples.