99% of the time, men in the dating world are complete gentlemen. But on occasion, ever so rarely, a select few men whom lack discipline will ask you for a nude pic. Of course, most women will not even know what we’re talking about as they have never been in this situation but our news organization offers a solution for those very few that have had such an interaction.
Put in this awkward scenario, women don’t know whether to fulfill the request or to leave it unanswered. While fulfilling the request can lead to further requests, not fulfilling the request can lead to a stranger with no confidence nor backbone calling you a @($#$@*# through text message. How do we feed these men a slice of humble pie?
If you are already at your 100 texts per month limit this could also lead to surcharges ranging upwards of a dollar. Based on Ancient Egyptian exchange rates, that dollar could have gone far making you the majority shareholder in a pyramid scheme.
As a premier trailblazing media organization, we have scientifically developed the ideal solution to this scenario that satisfies all parties involved.
Camouflage.
Wearing full-bodied camouflage from head to toe allows for a woman to send a pic fully clothed but no clothes show up in the pic because of course they blend in perfectly with the surroundings. This leads to the ole Greek Philosopher debate arguing if you can’t see clothes how do you know I’m wearing anything and if you can’t determine if I’m wearing anything then I must be nude.
Assuming you haven’t already gone over your 100 texts per month limit, this is how we assume a typical conversation will unfold:
Him: Hello, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty
Her: I’ve already fallen for this too many times, my extended warranty has been pushed out thousands of years reaching past the fall of man
Him: The fall of man? Or the fall of man and woman?
Her: Funny you mention that, probably just Man. And their nonsensical extended warranties
Him: Funny you mention THAT because I don’t want to see man naked. Woman however…. Now that’s a different story…. An extended story
Her: How’s it extended?
Him: Well I guess it isn’t as extended as I led you on to believe. I was just hoping you would send a nude
Her: Is that truly what you were hoping? Because you just messaged a stranger about an extended warranty on their car and you’ve pivoted real quick into nudes
Him: You’re right because in my world, nudes are taboo. While extended warranties cover all, nudes bare all
Her: That dichotomy is so intriguing, hold on one second
*She sends a pic in camouflage*
Him: It’s still loading. I’m getting that never-ending circle thing
Her: Oh weird, have you tried resetting your router
Him: Hold on, I’ll give it a go but my mom literally just updated her internets plan so I don’t know what’s going on. Moms…
*6.8 standard earth minutes pass*
Him: Hoooooolllllyyyy. Your pic came through. Hubba hubba, I didn’t know you were just a floating head
Her: That’s your thing? Floating heads?
Him: Fer shuureee. Ever since I saw Zordon in Power Rangers. That floating head was such an alpha
Her: That’s incredibly weird
Him: What the hell, how’s that weird? You’re the one that’s a floating head, I’m the one being incredibly open minded. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is you don’t want to be compared to Janeane Garofalo’s dad in Mystery Men
Her: I don’t even know what that is
Him: Well I guess it’ll stay a mystery
Her: Speaking of mystery, I guess I should come clean. I’m not actually a floating head
Him: Hoooooolllllyyyy. No foolies?
Her: No foolies
Him: Why did you photoshoppy your picture
Her: I didn’t, I was wearing camouflage fatigues
Him: You’re telling me your body was there the whole time?
Her: Yeah that’s what I’m telling you. You asked for a nude pic, I gave you a pic in which clothes couldn’t be seen. It’s conceptually the same thing
Him: I feel like it’s not conceptually the same thing
Her: How do you figure?
Him: Well in the Vietnam war there would have been a huge visible difference between a guy blending into the lush green environment and a guy running around naked
Her: I wasn’t running around, I was just standing there
Him: You know what I mean
Her: Yeah I know what you mean
Him: You do?
Her: Yeah, it all goes back to you trying to sell me an extended warranty on my hot wheel’s car
Him: ???
Her: You were trying to F$#@ me
Him: …
Her: …
Him: I’m at a lose for words
Her: Funny you mention THAT. I’d really like you to shut your pie hole
Him: …