For countless millennia heaven’s leadership structure has been heavily scrutinized. Some critics ask, should cherubs be placed in managerial roles? What exactly are the strengths and weaknesses of eternal babies with lil wings?

Much of this concern comes from the question, how much do cherubs and babies truly have in common?

From birth to 4 months human babies have minimal ability to visually decipher between various objects.  As eternal babies do cherubs share this impaired/ not fully developed vision? Would you want to work underneath a manager who has limited vision in the company’s success? This same manager who lacks hand eye and foot eye coordination.

This is before we even get into the concern of having to change a manager’s diaper. At least on earth we only have to deal with manager’s shit on a metaphorical level. With cherubs this may not be the case.

At 7 months, human babies start eating solid foods. At 10 months, a baby can start using a sippy cup. At 12 months, a baby might be able to hold/ operate a spoon. At 24 months a baby can feed itself although you will still be cleaning up the mess afterwards. One must wonder, at which step of this developmental process was the cherub halted? Can a cherub hold a spoon? Do cherubs like peek-a-boo?

If Renaissance paintings accurately depict the anatomy of a cherub I fear the wings are too small to support a being of that size and shape. That is, unless cherubs have hollow bones like birds. Which we will never actually know because although I have never been, I highly doubt heaven would want humans to dissect a cherub to find out. So what? Does that mean we have to carry cherubs around because their wings can’t support them?

A bigger issue is the oddity of company meetings at Above the Clouds, LLC. Can you imagine having to take notes while an eternal baby with wings gives an eloquent powerpoint presentation? Imagine an eternal baby sitting you down for your 6 millennia review only to tell you that you fell short of expectations and are not getting that raise. A feeling too eerily similar to the sleep deprived hopelessness of raising a human baby.

In the Hebrew bible it is believed cherubs guarded the Garden of Eden but it never explicitly says what cherubs do although cherubs are mentioned over 90 times. Classic management, am I right? What is it that they actually do?

In Islam, cherubs are the entities closest to god. Which makes you wonder about the nepotism of heaven with all these baby higher ups.

In Christianity, cherubs are of the second highest rank right behind the Seraphim. This actually makes the most sense for the case of the eternal baby. A sense of inflated responsibility and ego. Cherubs are assistants to the regional manager.

And so while this article offers no answers and poses many more questions, we conclude with a quote from the most famous human assistant to the regional manager, Dwight Schrute and we continue to wonder if cherubs hold on to the same creeds and ethos.

“When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”