It begins. The biggest land grab of the year. Hibernating on the internet and Netflix all winter, humans finally take a step outside. Like all hibernating animals, famished humans need food and so restaurants oblige but at a great cost: our sidewalks. Every Spring, eateries from coast to coast place tables all over the sidewalk in front of their establishment and we the people are helpless to stop this eminent domain of our walkways.
Inspired by game shows like Global Guts and American Gladiator restaurants put chairs and tables in our paths to add some spice to our casual stroll down the sidewalk. How about hurdling some obstacles in tight spaces on your way to the store? The bolder restaurants even rope off their dining areas blatantly rubbing eminent domain in our faces. They might as well be colonial Europe sticking a flag in foreign soil and calling it their own.
Just as concerning is the marketing claim that they have “outdoor seating”. While technically true, the outdoor seating provided is on the same sidewalk where a homeless man could be begging for change 5 feet away. Not exactly exclusive outdoor seating. Through countless hours of no research, we feel contextually, any eatery can profess outdoor seating and tell its patrons to take their food offsite to some local public park.
In some devastating cases, the two-way sidewalk traffic comes to a complete halt because the lane is only big enough for one person and indecisive people on either side are all oh no you go, no you go, no I insist you go… Which may seem frustrating if you’re stuck behind them but remember, some of us need the torturous experience to prepare for an eternity in limbo.
Frighteningly, not a single one of my journalist colleagues at the major media networks has reached out to discuss the eminent domain issue. Which gets you thinking, how deep does this go? Is this another government coverup? A ploy to get us off the sidewalk and into the bike lane? You’ll never get me in the bike lane though! Because one time I read a story about a man that would assault people from his bike over and over again, it was a vicious cycle.