The milkshake was invented in 1922. Prior to this, there was no reason for boys to congregate in yards. The US Constitution’s right to assembly seemed superfluous for over a century until Ivar “Pop” Coulson milked a cow after an earthquake making earth the first planet in the universe to develop the milkshake.
Pied Piper Kelis professes her effect on boys but neglects to speak to the unwitting curse of her newly discovered lactose- infused WMD. We believe she stumbled upon her milkshake similar to how Percy Spencer accidentally stumbled upon the creation of the microwave but with Faustian results.
A single milkshake can feed only so many mouths. Why would she want all these boys in the yard? It seems the boys have congregated in the yard for nothing more than the barren taste of futility very reminiscence of the Children’s Crusade of 1212 AD. Is she purposefully attracting the boys to the yard so they starve to death, no better than a siren luring sailors to their doom? Our expert unpaid intern believes the song to be a cautionary tale, a cry for help even.
Let us delve into the lyrics:
La la, la la, la
Warm it up
La la, la la, la
Why would one warm a milkshake if not for the desire to see it melt? And if the milkshake is no more, the hold over the boys is released allowing them to stumble back from whence they came.
I can teach you, but I have to charge
Like with all magical enchantments (think monkey paw), there is a cost and milkshakes are no different.
It can’t be bought
Just know, thieves get caught
Watch if you’re smart
While a few stanzas ago Kelis exclaimed she would have to charge she is now stating it can’t be bought. Why must we watch if we’re smart? Because we must read between the lines to find Kelis’ warning.
They lose their minds
The way I wind
And here the riddle is laid bare: What must she charge for but we can’t buy nor steal and causes boys to lose their minds? The answer: awe inspiring, incalculable infinity.
Closeted astrophysicist Kelis has surpassed scientific greats like Stephen Hawkings, as well as the Muppet’s Bunsen and Beaker to discover the keys to the cosmos. It was no mistake that we called our galaxy the milky way. On the eve of her big reveal, her “milkshake” accidentally sucked all the boys in like a black hole and now she has been unwittingly cursed to become the queen of madness surrounded by her undesired sycophants holding glassy stares and addled minds unable to think of anything but a mere dairy treat.
Maybe sometimes intolerance is okay. Lifesaving even. Lactose intolerance.
Picture it.
Standing on the sixth floor of her manshun, slouched over the balcony railing gripping it with both hands, still in her pristine white lab coat, Kelis gazes out at crazed boys as far as the eye can see, all fearing the rise of women in STEM. A moving, living, breathing, shifting castle wall of insanity erected not to keep others out but amassed to keep her in. All to suppress her forbidden knowledge, her milkshake. Instead of despairing in her hopeless Sisyphean plight, she takes a deep breath and belts out a 450-word coded message that surfs the sound waves above the masses and reaches Kala Kaiwi, the man with the biggest ears in the world. From there, the message is disseminated among the masses and the message is clear.
Hide your milkshakes.
Unless you want to shake things up in the milky way.