Like any good cult, the medical industry is shrouded in mystery and mysticism making it hard to get a glimpse of their inner workings especially since 1996 when the HIPAA spell was cast. Mass media will have you believe HIPAA stands for Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act but is it not just as plausible that it stands for Heretic Incantations Protecting Arcane Arts? As the 30-year expiration of the HIPAA spell draws nigh I assume the grand viziers of the medical industry are asking themselves, what would be a better deterrent? The renewal of the HIPAA spell or a hippo?
To best answer this question let’s delve into the enforcers on the frontline.
HIPAA:
Generally enforced by attorneys. Most attorneys tend to be of the human species (Hyper-Chicken being a rare exception) with an average jaw strength of 162 pounds per square inch. The average human male weighs 199 pounds, the average human female weighs 170. The average long-distance speed runner maintains a pace right around 12 mph. Omnivorous in nature, diets vary greatly but tend to lean towards corn-based foods which is thought to be the reason why humans love corny jokes such as this one.
Hippo:
The average hippo’s jaw strength is 1,800 pounds per square inch. Male hippos can weigh as much as 9,000 pounds while females top out around 3,000 pounds. Hippos can reach a speed of 19 mph. Hippos are herbivores eating mainly grasses, plants and fruits. Hippos are capable of popping a whole watermelon in their mouth in the same regard a feeble attorney would eat a single grape.
To the main event:
A medical professional who loves spilling the tea receives juicy information about a patient they just so happened to attend grade school with. She can’t wait to tell people at a dinner party later that night. A couple chalices of wine in, loose lips prepared to divulge that Jasper Higgins from high school has Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Syndrome. But then she looks up, there in the corner of the room, draped in shadows is a bull hippo staring her down, twirling its tail in aggression waiting for the greenlight to charge, letting out a loud, guttural snort. The snort gets everyone’s attention:
“What the hell how did a hippo get in here!”
“This dining room is huge!”
“Did you know hippo means water horse?”
“Not again!”
The dinner party scrambles, the host, an attorney, embarrassed by the intrusion stands his ground not without “claws” of his own. In the face of danger, attorneys have a few ‘peacocking’ techniques that while not physically effective, like the pufferfish attempt to scare away threats through misdirection. The attorney waves a cease and desist like its a magic wand. The Hippo snorts, unintimidated. Quickly, to his briefcase, the attorney pulls out a restraining order rune but before he can enforce it the hippo charges, trampling him to death. The remainder of the party has scattered throughout the neighborhood certain Jumanji was based on a true story. Jasper’s medical secrets remain secrets.
HIPAA versus Hippo? The age-old question that really shouldn’t even be a contest; after all, do doctors not take a hippo-cratic oath?