From Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar:
“Cry Havoc and let slip the dogs of war”
This is the battle cry of every whirling blender in every Orange Julius around the world. The fruits are the Hannibal Barca, the Germanic tribes and Mithridates all rolled into one. The start button on the blender is stalwart Roman Nationalism. The blades are the deadly Roman Legions. The Orange Julius employee is the voice behind it all, Julius Caesar. The final smoothie is the absolute submission of Rome’s enemies. Every time you frequent an Orange Julius store you’re buying into the glory of Rome and you deserve to revel in it.
The Roman Empire experienced a tumultuous decline that officially ended in 476 AD with the fall of the last Roman Emperor, Augustulus. The Empire found renewed life in its heir the Holy Roman Empire founded in Central Europe as opposed to Italy. In 1866 The Holy Roman Empire saw it’s end with the formation of modern day Germany.
For 60 years the empire remained dormant, forgotten and many thought gone forever. Then, in 1925 Los Angeles we saw the Rise of Orange Julius. A modern day telling of the Aeneid. The story of Aeneas and his followers fleeing a burning Troy and escaping to Italy to become the ancestor to what would one day be the Roman people.
How Orange Julius was founded remains a mystery for as long as I don’t look into it. Based on no research here is what I believe.
It starts with the orange. The earliest known records of oranges come from China. With Marco Polo paving an entire road with silk from Asia to Europe the orange tree found an incredibly smooth journey into Portugal and the rest of the continent.
With the dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire in the 1800s, Europeans began immigrating in greater numbers to the United States led by their very own Aeneas. After passing through Ellis Island, this Aeneas, nicknamed Sweet Betsy, preached of Manifest Destiny and many followed her across the continent. Through many perils and heartaches they reached the west coast. There is a song about their journey immortalized by Johnny Cash:
Now don’t you remember Sweet Betsy from Pike
Who crossed the big mountains with her lover Ike
Two Yoke of oxen a big yeller dog
A tall Shangai rooster and one spotted hog.
The Shangai Rooster of course being the ancient Chinese Guardian of the Orange Tree. After unloading their wagons full of oranges they noticed that some of the oranges had grown soft in their journey. So with pestle and mortar Sweet Betsy crushed up the fruit and put it in a cup. Her husband Ike took a single sip and exclaimed, “My god, this drink tastes as if it were made by the angels themselves.” And that is how Los Angeles got its name and Orange Julius reignited the Roman Empire.
As of the 1980s Orange Trees have become the most cultivated tree in the world. Each tree representing a soldier in the Orange Julius Legions. What the Roman Empire sought to achieve Orange Julius has brought to pass. Each orange tree a finger firmly grasping the world fully encompassed in the grip of the Orange Julius Empire.
Which brings us back full circle to Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar:
But I am constant as the Northern Star,
Of whose true fixed and resting quality
There is no fellow in the firmament.
