For any haters of the British Empire, I ask you, if you hate the oppression they doled out around the world but ignore the benefits of the spice trade they fostered, do you plan on drinking pumpkin spice this autumn?

Hypocrite…

While historically the spice trade focused on spices such as cinnamon, pepper, nutmeg, turmeric, clove, and a handful of other spicy elements, we will focus on the often-ignored pumpkin spice trade in which history has tended to ignore mainly because we’re just now making it up.

If you are one of the few people on this flat earth that uses the internet, you will see that the world-wide webs professes that pumpkin spice consists of traditional spice trade elements such as cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, ginger and cloves but what is concerning about this information is that it doesn’t fit into our narrative.

Pumpkin spice, similar to mélange, is a spice that extends your life. This is because the astronomical profit margin markups on a pumpkin spice coffee leaves it only affordable to the rich whom can also afford proper medical treatment, eating healthy, and have available the free time for better fitness programs while we toil in the dark depths of the pumpkin mines, back muscles aching as our pickaxes clang into the merciless bedrock over and over looking for that next sliver of orange gold.

As class tension escalates, unrelated to any specific holiday, most Octobers will find the common man placing a stolen pumpkin on their front door step with a leering face violently carved into its exterior, its insides- its spiciness- completely disemboweled and thrown into the garbage as a sign to the wealthy that we plan on rising too. We too have the luxury to waste pumpkin.

And as the world grows closer and closer to its breaking point, is it any wonder that we call those closest to us, ‘pumpkin’? With chaos nigh, is it any wonder we too will splurge on the pumpkin spice coffee with nothing to lose as we already live at rock bottom, pickaxe in hand, mine depleted, looking to make the world a little spicier.

In the words of Henry David Thoreau: “I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than to be crowded on a velvet cushion.”