Dwayne Johnson originally set out to be the world’s greatest cook. His claim to fame would be cuisine based not on taste but rather smell. His catchphrase during his wrestling days was an ode to his young dreams. “Do you smell what the stone is baking” or something like that.

To truly know Dwayne Johnson you never actually need to meet him. Based on a complete lack of research I assume that all of his movies are actually taken from his real life feats. Each movie a snapshot of a moment in his life. Hercules had his 12 labors, using his own movie quotes, let’s take a walk through the exploits of DJ.

We start at the beginning where in Moana he told us his origin:

“I wasn’t born a demi-god. I had human parents. They took one look and they decided …that they didn’t want me. So, they threw me into the ocean like I was nothing. Somehow, I was rescued by the Gods. They gave me the fishhook. They made me “Maui.” So…back to the humans I went. I gave them everything. Islands, fire and coconuts…. heh, everything they can never get enough of.”

DJ, hero and protector of humankind from the very beginning slowly grew annoyed of our constant needs and desires. In his later years he took a sabbatical as a lifeguard on Baywatch in hopes to find a sense of serenity, but his annoyance still seeped out from time to time:

“I was born of the sea. I eat fire coral and I piss salt water. I scratch my back with a whale’s dick and I loofah my chest with his ballsack.”

DJ, the modern-day Achilles had grown tired of his role as hero and was fed upwith the shallowness of those he sought to save.

In the movie Rundown he shows the jaded time of his life when he was a bounty hunter chasing men for sport. In Longshot he makes a brief appearance showcasing his thievery days. He turned himself into a man-scorpion in Scorpion King to mess with Brendan Fraser and in the next couple years we’ll see his biopic of the time period where he called himself Black Adam and fought his old heroic peers like Superman and Shazam.

It wasn’t until Dwayne left our planet entirely to get away from humanity that he began to cherish us again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. In Planet 51 he found himself on another planet surrounded by aliens and completely alone.

“At least you have a world. I’ll probably never see mine again.”

He said to an alien that sounded exactly like Justin Long.

It was this hiatus on an alien world that reignited his desire to protect humanity and he came back too fast and moderately furious.

“The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.”

He saved the world from terrorists on a frequent basis but always under one of his aliases such as Hobbs or Roadblock. He performed search and rescue missions as Dr. Bravestone, Ray Gaines and Will Sawyer. With Maui’s shape changing abilities, DJ is able to take on many identities and forms to help those in need. He even once acted as tooth fairy.

DJ is a follower of Socrates’ ancient wisdom:

No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable

DJ took these words and translated them for modern man to better understand:

“You don’t get abs like these eating peanut butter patties.”

So what annoys DJ? In his youth, a lot of things. Such as humanity’s selfishness and greed portrayed through this timeless analogy:

“When I’m a guest in another man’s house, I don’t reach into his refrigerator without asking permission.”

He’ll never understand man’s senseless need to murder:

“Is it gonna be like this forever? Killing each other because you were born five blocks in the wrong direction?”

Although annoyed with our choices through the centuries he has not given up hope. In fact, some humans have elevated in his opinion:

“Uh, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it’s a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.”

He has grown mild in his old age but there is still one major thing that annoys Dwayne Johnson. If he cooks for you, while sitting at the table don’t just scarf down the food because he’ll be watching. Take a moment, relax. Close your eyes, take a deep breath through your nose and smell what he just cooked for you.