There is an Ancient Polynesian myth in which a furious volcano ready to unleash its wrath, rumbling, shaking, spurting anger in the form of raining lava, sought to bury all the inhabitants of the island. The villagers saw their impending doom as well as the futility of their own resolve and so they dropped to their knees praying to Tāne, god of birds and forests. Wanting to protect his wards, Tāne appeared out of thin air towering in the ocean water only ankle deep where a tall man would drown. Holding a boulder as if it were a pebble, Tāne with perfect form, rolled the boulder across the landscape, it barreled through trees, climbed up the volcano took to the air at the rim, spun like a pirouetting ballerina and fell straight down plugging the volcano, saving the village. Thus Skee-Ball was created.
Or at least we assume this is how Skee-Ball was created.
If you’re wondering why the holes in Skee-Ball are comprised of increasingly growing concentric circles, well that’s just an extrapolation of the Pacific Ocean’s Ring of Fire. Also obsessed with Rings is the Olympics held every twenty-fifth of a century in which nation’s greatest talent are amassed at a single venue to establish which country is the coolest. This leads to the question, why isn’t Skee-Ball in the Olympic Games?
Whiff-Whaff was created roughly around the same time as modern Skee-Ball and China dominates every time. You might know Whiff-Whaff as Ping Pong.
Bowling has not yet made the cut into Olympic events but it is one of the most popular sports at the special Olympics. Maybe we compromise and dip our toes at the summer Olympics in a little bit of Skee-Ball action.
Considered one of the first redemption games when Joseph Simpson created the modern-day adaption (we’re assuming it was influenced by the Polynesian Myth we made up), maybe we allow athletes to cash in their gold medals for rewards. Worthwhile rewards like diplomatic immunity.
The first national Skee-Ball tournament was hosted almost 100 years ago with a purse of $2,400, roughly equivalent to $50,000 today. Considering the 1916 Olympic International Committee determined that each gold medal should have 0.211 ounces of gold and the current rate of gold is $2,300 per ounce, that original national Skee-Ball tournament in Atlantic City paid out the equivalent of over 100 Olympic Gold Medals.
Michael Phelps, the most successful Olympian of all time, won a paltry 23 gold medals. This pales in comparison to that original Skee-Ball tournament winner we are too lazy to look up and give deserved credit to. Which, all this is to say, or rather lead to the final question, how many tickets do we have to redeem to make Skee-Ball an Olympic Sport? Maybe the winner receives a jade medal in honor of Tāne.