Sooooo, What are you wearing? A question a few- but not many- women have been privately messaged in the middle of the night during this modern age of instant communication. Most of the time women assume this question is pertaining to the sexuality or provocativeness of their attire. However in many scenarios they do not think to ask themselves, “what if this guy is really into fabric?” And so we have broken down how this type of conversation would go:

Scene: 2am, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling questioning existence. Then her phone dings:

Male: Sooooo, What are you wearing?

Female: Sweat pants and a hoodie.

Male: Oh yeah. Do you kiss your parents with that mouth? So Dirty. So hot. What do you think the thread count of that hoodie is?

Female: I just checked the tag, it didn’t say.

Male: Well I know this might be asking a lot but do you mind counting all the threads?

Female: Yes I do mind.

Male: Okay, okay okay. I get it. Sorry I was being so pushing.

Female: K

Male: We both know something that is on that tag though? How are you supposed to wash it? Is it tumble dry only? That would be so tight.

Female: I’m not taking off the hoodie to look at the tag again.

Male: What fabric is it? Is it pure cotton? Or maybe a cotton/ rayon blend? Those are the best, so breathable.

Female: I’m uncomfortable wearing a hoodie and sweatpants now. I’m putting on lingerie to lounge around in.

Male: NO NO NO NO! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you! Please don’t change!

Female: *no response*

Male: If you’re going to change can you at least take a pic. Let me see what you look like with all that baggy fabric before you switch into the less imaginative lingerie.

Female: Why are you still texting me?

Male: I’m at the 24/7 laundromat off of Main St. My mind is wandering if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Female: At this point I do not know what you mean.

Male: I just separated all my whites and colors and they’re having a great time in the washer. That color is going to stay so fresh and vibrant.

Female: Are you trying to convince me to let you do my laundry?

Male: Oh wow, I didn’t think you were going to ask such a forward question. But yeah, that’s what I was getting at. Why else would I ask what are you wearing?

Female: This makes no sense.

Male: Makes no sense to you? Think about how I feel! Makes no sense to me that a fine ass hoodie and pair of sweatpants is lounging around with you when it could be in the washer with all my clothes.

Female: *silences her phone*

Male: Heyyy you still up?

Male again: I always let my clothes air dry a little before putting them in the dryer. It avoids shrinkage.

Male Third Times a Charm: Do you think that hoodie is Egyptian Cotton?

Male Knowing How Much Women Love Persistence: We didn’t even get into the fabric of your sweatpants! Are they baggy or like yoga pants? What are we working with here?

Her bedroom is pitch dark now. Every so often her phone lights up with a new message from the human male like lightning piercing a night sky and bathing the countryside for a brief moment. In those flashes she stares at the ceiling questioning existence. Fade to black.

End Scene