Socrates once said, “by all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” His student Plato followed this up with, “love is a grave mental disease.”
Fast forward over a thousand years and Oscar Wilde said, “a kiss may ruin a life.” And he also said, “deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”
Skip ahead even further, Katherine Hepburn said, “if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”
Then to bring it full circle, Bob Dylan said, “you can never be wise and be in love at the same time.”
But then, Johhny Carson, a man of many wrenches threw a wrench, “married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.” While much has been said about love, can a thing truly be known without contrasting and comparing it to its opposite?
The 5 Anti-Love Languages:
Don’t Touch Me
An ode to personal bubbles. The joys of a mime stuck in an ethereal box protected from the grimy hands of the outside world. Think a dinner date at a long dining room table sitting on opposite ends needing to yell to properly converse. If you really wish to show them you don’t care, give them the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac, a thoughtful restraining order.
Sabotage
True love is about supporting one another in any and all endeavors. So anti-love must be about bringing each other down into the gutter. How dare they seek to be put on a pedestal. Are they confident they’re about to get a promotion at work? Time for an anonymous call to HR. Are they excited for an upcoming trip with their closest friends? Fake an illness and guilt them into staying home to take care of you. There is no healthier form of anti-love than psychological warfare.
Hard To Get
This one is for the fitness nuts out there. The easiest way to play hard to get is to be in excellent cardio shape so they can never catch up to you. If hard to get is your anti-love language, a triathlete may be the one for you. What are they running away from you ask? Well, your affection of course. What are they running to? Victory.
Negative Reinforcement
“You’re doing great!” “You’ve got this!” “I believe in you!” What a sham. Positive reinforcement can be lethal. The higher you lift someone up, the greater the eventual fall and unlike squirrels with a low terminal velocity, we would die from a drop of us such great heights. Instead provide the proper discouragement. “Are you sure you can lift that?” “It’s okay, not all of us age gracefully, especially if you didn’t have grace to begin with” “Don’t embarrass us!” “Told you, you should of stretched first.”
Stealing
TV remote, wine opener, left slipper, show you don’t care by helping them slowly plunge into madness because they keep “misplacing” everyday household items. What if you need that new juicer more than they do anyways? Then it’s worth the squeeze. Why do people seek to steal one’s heart when there are so many other things that can be stolen as well? Is it just a coincidence that you can’t spell ‘evil‘ without ‘live‘? Live a little.
There can be no light at the end of the tunnel if there is no tunnel.
The engaged Buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “in true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love.” Which raises the question, whom do we follow? Western philosophers from this article’s intro or the wisdom of a Vietnamese monk?
While you must choose your own path we feel it’s important to note, one of these people is from the only country ever capable of beating the United States in warfare which finally brings us to John Lyly’s Anatomy of Wit: all’s fair in love and war (anti-love)